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Exploring disruptive storytelling technology in theory and practice.

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      21 Nov 2011

      Siri, Please Teach Google Voice to Listen

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      Sometimes using one’s smartphone is like playing a game of, well, “telephone.” Half the time no one can hear you and when they can, the message gets lost in translation – even when it’s not actually being translated. I’m convinced that mine is actually a “smart-ass phone” given how it willfully drops calls, truncates texts and creates general mayhem in my personal and professional lives. “Can you hear me?” becomes “Gland doo deer meat?” I sound like a Martian ordering venison.*

      Perhaps I shouldn’t complain. The fact that one can speak into a rectangular hunk of plastic that beams one’s voice to the heavens and back to whomever you’re calling is pretty damn marvelous. Except when it’s not. And what truly doesn’t work is the voicemail transcription on freebie messaging service Google Voice. Again, I shouldn’t complain – the Mountain View search giant takes my voice messages and spits out text to my phone so I can take action without taking the call. For free.

      The problem is that their translation mechanism works more like a game of MadLibs with an emphasis on the “mad” part, as in “mad as a hatter” or as Google Voice interprets it, “Man has gone splatter.” This man has nearly gone splatter off a few rooftops after simply hearing my own name gargled by the Google bots. As one might imagine, “Daedalus” is a voice-recognition time bomb.

      On a recent occasion, Google Voice assumed my name was “metal brush.” I don’t even mind “Metal Brush,” which sounds like an ’80s hair band gone literal. What I mind is getting gibberish texted to me instead of my messages. So, I’ve turned off the automatic dispatch and instead check my voicemail like someone from the last millennium. Fortunately, iPhones let you scrub through your messages without having to listen to every second. This is godsend since, no matter, how much my outgoing message emphasizes “leave a brief message,” I get a soliloquy. It’s like having Hamlet call with a question and no intermission in sight.

      Google’s been trying really hard to work out their voice recognition for some time. I remember when they were still operating Google 411, which purported to be a telephone directory when in fact it was a huge voice data acquisition tool. Since it knew where you were calling from, it could assess and catalog the nuances of your regional accent. And it was probably recording us so that somewhere there’s a record of me stammering my request for an Indian take-out number in my twee-transcontinental accent (this was before there was an app for that – the curry, not the accent).

      Meanwhile, Siri, Apple’s answer to the question, “Can voice recognition just work, for crissakes?” was recently born into a few million iPhone 4Ses. Sadly, this came on the eve of the passing of Steve Jobs (whose name is probably the English translation of whatever language “Siri” is).

      Consequently, she lost a little of her limelight, though she’s been more than compensated with fawning reviews and loving fan tributes. As can be expected, some wags have made videos of themselves tricking Siri into saying naughty notions chiefly by hacking their own IDs so the phone thinks their names are four-letter words, making it unclear who the joke is really on. I have yet to upgrade so I’m unsure as to how Siri will destroy the pronunciation of my name or transcribe mine or others’ words. I do hope, however, the next time Hamlet calls she’ll cut him off with a brisk, “That’s the question, isn’t?” and hang up. *Some of these examples have been made family-friendly.

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      10 Nov 2011

      Tipply Tributes: Celebrity Beer Names

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      For your typical celebrity, it's to be expected that one day someone is going to name a sandwich or some other edible after you. Every deli menu in Hollywood boasts some kind of transubstantiation of stars into grub. In the world of cocktails, oddly, they're usually of the non-alcoholic variety ("Shirley Temple," "Roy Rogers").

      On the Isle of Beer, however, it's becoming customary to borrow the names of the well-known—if often deceased—for the sake of branding a brew. Topping the list is Samuel Adams, the American statesman and founding father who is fourth down the list on his own Google search.Number one, of course, is Boston-based brewing behemoth Samuel Adams. It also numbers two and three, though I think competing for search engine optimization with a dead guy is no real triumph. A more obscure naming reference is Pliny the Elder, a super-hoppy double IPA that packs a whopping eight percent alcohol. It's named for Gaius Plinius Secundus, which is Latin for "Unpronounceable After a Couple of Beers."

      Better known as Pliny the Elder, the philospher was quite the gadfly about ancient Rome who penned an encyclopedia of natural history and is the uncle of, yep, Pliny the Younger. Exacty why Santa Rosa-based Russian River Brewing Co. named their concoction after a dead Roman was probably lost with the brain cells spent during its first taste trials. Perhaps in an attempt to out-Ruskie the Russian River Brewing Company, Fort Bragg's North Coast Brewing Company poached the name of Siberian-born "Mad Monk" Rasputin, ostensibly to honor the tradition of "18th century brewers who supplied the court of Russia's Catherine the Great." Hmm.

      Though the story is about as frothy as the tan head of its Old Rasputin Imperial Stout, it certainly extends the cult of personality the creepy mystic has enjoyed since the days of the czars. The brew itself extends one's appreciation for imperial stouts—great beefy beers that top out at nine percent alcohol and handily kick populist stouts (read: Guinness) to the floor.

      Then there are the dead musicians. North Coast has a Brother Thelonious, named for Thelonious Monk, and Delaware's Dogfish Head Craft Brewery rolled out an homage to a boundary-breaking jazz legend last year with its Miles Davis' Bitches Brew. (The name had been waiting to grace a beer label since Davis' album of the same name was released in 1970.) Petaluma's own Lagunitas Brewing Company mounted a similar effort with a series of brews named after classic Frank Zappa albums. Of course, when the Boss croaks, we'll raise some Bruce SpringSteins in his honor.

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      24 Jun 2011

      Why Do Men Put Their Penises Online?

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      “To tweet or not to tweet?” – that should have been the question for former U.S. representative Anthony Weiner whose infamous social media snafu made him and his briefs-ensconced boner a household name synonymous with “moron.” Not only did Weiner’s foray into softcore porn (and subsequent revelations about “sexting” with numerous women) provide a wide berth for dick jokes and puns of every stripe (which he’s probably endured since grammar school on account of his name), it cost him his career in politics.

      The argument that what one does in one’s private life is should not be subject to public scrutiny went out the window when Weiner made his privates public by inadvertently posting them into his Twitter stream rather than as a direct message to 21-year-old Washington state woman.

      It begs the question, “Why do men put their penises online?” Respond to any ad on Craigslist and, as many can attest, one stands a one in five chance of receiving a poorly-lit jpeg of some dude’s cock. It’s a wonder that no one has started an amateur porn site called “Craig’s Dicks” comprised exclusively of prick pics culled from the personal ads juggernaut. Chatroulette, the video chat service that randomly pairs participants in two-way tet-a-tets is notorious as veritable museum of male masturbation.The site rapidly cycles through chat pairings with either user given the option to hit “next” and move on to another chat – usually within seconds. After cycling through eight live images of users in front of their web cams – Bingo! – a crotch shot at the ready.

      In the pantheon of paraphilias, exhibitionism is perhaps the most benign though clinicians describe it as “coercive” since it usually involves forcibly imposing one’s genitalia into another line of sight without their consent. The notion of an old-school trench coat-clad flasher is damn near quaint compared to the lone gunman taking aim at a webcam.

      Albeit, confronting an exhibitionist in the flesh is surely a harrowing experience, however, it does permit one the ability to express one’s revulsion, reciprocate with bodily harm or perhaps even flash back (any of which, may or may not be the offenders goal). The online penis parader, however, uses social media to broadcast their exhibitionism from the comfort of their own homes. It combines the privacy end-users of porn expect from direct delivery of content to their laptops (no more embarrassing visits to the “adult” section of the video store – hell, for that matter, no more video stores!) with the inversely proportionate ability to broadcast oneself freely, cheaply and nakedly to millions with relative anonymity and without retribution.

      This is perhaps one reason that everyone from media pundits to House minority leader Nancy Pelosi came down so, um, hard on Anthony’s weiner. It was if he received the aggregate slap back awaiting all the faceless exhibitionists lurking on the Internet. Consider his monkey spanked. To gauge the size of your "e-penis" click this humorous if NSFW link, which uses your Twitter handle to measure your size online.

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      21 Mar 2011

      Twitter the "Mayor" of the Middle East?

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      I'm just sophomoric enough to still enjoy a typo or two when it comes from in such a venerable a news organization as the New York Times. In a article exploring the 5th anniversary of the launch of Twitter, the Times substituted the word "mayor" for "major" when describing its role in the recent uprisings in Middle East. "Mayor," of course, is the distinction earned by players of Foursquare to recognize their provenance as a patron of a local business. Given that millions in the Middle East have "checked in" to Twitter in recent weeks, one might say that Twitter is indeed its Mayor, in the social networking meaning of the word. Maybe it will be rewarded a coupon for a free falafel or maybe a slice of fresh baked democracy...

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      12 Mar 2011

      Blade Runner's Sequel Sickness

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      Certain films are so singular in vision, so spectacular in their realization that they're fundamentally immune to the disease of sequel-itis, or its often more virulent form, prequel-itis. Among those in this rarified canon are Citizen Kane (of course), Casablanca (duh) and, until last week, Blade Runner. Whether or not one agrees that the futuristic depiction of dystopian Los Angeles circa 2019 belongs in the company of Welles' and Curtiz's respective masterpieces is subject to debate (mind you, it made the American Film Institute's Top 100 list), but what's not is that, to a certain generation, Blade Runner is something of a holy relic. And now it's getting some cinematic siblings. Original Blade Runner producer Bud Yorkin, who retained the rights to the 1982 flick starring Harrison Ford as a hardboiled detective on the trail of a band of rogue bio-engineered androids, is concluding negotiations for both a prequel and a sequel with Alcon Entertainment, a 13-year-old company perhaps best known for the Sandra Bullock weeper The Blind Side and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. The film deal, reports online industry rag The Wrap, also has a provision for "other projects," which suggests possible spillover into television (paging J. J. Abrams) and video games. The original film is an adaptation of sci-fi author Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, penned for the screen by Hampton Fancher and David Peoples, who, like Dick, has some Bay Area provenance. Who will write the sequel? A computer, perhaps? Meanwhile, producers are said to be shopping for an auteur of similar gravitas to Ridley Scott, who delivered the original in three different edits, no less. Batman rebooter Christopher Nolan has been mentioned in the trades as a candidate. Nolan's possible participation makes the notion a bit more palatable; as a card-carrying Gen X-er, he should have a native appreciation for cyberpunk and an understanding that, to many, Blade Runner is as profound a statement of existential yearning as Picasso's Guernica is about the horrors of war. But Guernica 2: Horse Returns is not coming to a museum near you, so why trifle with an icon like Blade Runner? In a statement released to the media, Alcon co-CEOs Broderick Johnson and Andrew Kosove explained, "We recognize the responsibility we have to do justice to the memory of the original with any prequel or sequel we produce. We have long-term goals for the franchise, and are exploring multiplatform concepts, not just limiting ourselves to one medium only." But do they know they're replicants? Here's our tribute to the films of 1982...  
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      22 Feb 2011

      How to Make a Newspaper

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      From 1937's Trees to Tribunes. Gotta love the juxtaposition of newspaper hacks and trees being felled – this could be the moment the term was "hack" originated. Kudos are due to the composer for such a rousing score. It's my new ringtone for my editors.
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      14 Feb 2011

      Elementary, my Dear Watson | Man vs. Machine in the Digital Age

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      With IBM's Watson winning TV's Jeopardy, the artificial intelligence community and its acolytes are all atwitter about this latest "man vs. machine" boondoggle. Matt Creamer, an affable Ad Age contributor was bested by the hulking bot. I did worse – I failed the Voight-Kampff test. Albeit, it was an online version of the “empathy exam” meant to separate the men from the machines as seen in Blade Runner, so it’s likely I’m the victim of some order of digital chicanery. Even though the test couldn’t monitor my “blush response” and “eye movement” as in the film (the “Final Cut” was released on DVD in December), the effect was chilling. I scoured my birth certificate for an “incept date” rather than a birthday. After a hard look in the mirror (while cinematically splashing water on my face), I assured myself I wasn’t a replicant given the raft of imperfections that somehow synergize into my craggy mien. Replicants, as a character observes, are “so perfect.” I’m not. The fictional Tyrell Corporation, which produces the organic androids under the confident motto “More human than human,” would have stamped me “reject” and shipped me to a replicant outlet mall. If I were a replicant, however, I’d hope to be a replicant of the ilk portrayed by Sean Young – impeccably coiffed and inclined to zip off into unused footage of The Shining sooner than Edward James Olmos can say “To bad she won’t live.” The alternative, of course, is enfant terrible Roy Batty, who reversed Oedipus’ self-inflicted punishment by 180 degrees and gouged out the eyes of his spiritual father Tyrell – killing him – while, ironically, demanding more life. Tyrell knew he had it coming. If he had read even a shred of science fiction, he would have known the genre’s first tenet regarding man-made-men: “Play God and be smited by thine own creation.” The King James argot is my own nod to the Old Testament-esque symmetry of the notion (you know, where men were made of mud and women of spareribs). However, it was a teenager in 19th century London that first explored, then exploited the idea. First published in 1818 in London, Mary Wollencroft Shelley’s Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus was borne from a horror story-writing contest meant to wile away a vacation ruined by poor weather The contenders were the author’s then fiancé Percy Bysshe Shelley, Lord Byron and his doctor. The then 19-year-old handily won with her thrilling tale of a tomb-robbing scientist, who creates a life only to lose his to it in a karmic come-uppance. The groundwork, however, was well-trod by a handful of cultural forebears, notably the clay-made Golem of Yiddish folklore (before Tolkien poached its name) and Pygmalion’s formerly marble Galatea. Pinocchio, Carlo Collodi’s morality tale starring animatronic kindling, would continue the tradition in 1881, but with less bloodshed. Despite the admonitions of science fiction, artificial intelligence researchers can’t seem to help themselves from working closer and closer to sentience or at least “singularity,” the much prophesized phenomenon in which a superhuman intelligence emerges through technology that is able to improve itself beyond our ability to comprehend it. A few embers of this Promethean flame might have ignited the minds of researchers at IBM, who, having had their supercomputer Deep Blue trounced by reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1996, revved up their machine such that was capable of evaluating 200 million positions per second by the following year. When re-matched, it wasn’t the computer’s brute-force calculating ability that Kasparov found intriguing in his opponent, but rather a specific, single move that occurred relatively early in the match. During the second of six games, at move 36, Deep Blue defied expectation and forsook a choice that seemed obvious to the gallery of expert spectators for what proved to be a more nuanced position several plays later. The move, according to Kasparov, suggested a conceptual approach, one that he had not anticipated from a machine. At that point, Kasparov considered the game over. Move 36 sounds like something from the “Kama Sutra for Dummies.” I thought it was a great title for a satire about the death dance of man and machine with titular echoes of Catch 22. Eduardo Kac, a conceptual artist noted for his “appropriation” of biotechnologies, busted the move first, however, in a work surely more concept than art. A press release for a 2004 Exploratorium exhibit of Kac’s “Move 36” announced that “On the chessboard square exactly where Deep Blue made its fateful move sits a genetically modified plant with a synthetic gene whose DNA has been ingeniously translated to represent Descartes’ famous statement, ‘I think, therefore I am,’ using a common computer code.” How this was accomplished is the stuff that android dreams are made of (and why this was accomplished raises troubling questions about arts funding). “The self never belonged as fully to itself as Descartes’ cogito implied or as fully as we want it to,” wrote critic Scott Bukatman of cultural theorist Slavoj Zizek’s suggestion that Blade Runner causes us to confront our own “replicant-status.” I know I confront my own replicant-status every time some spam arrives in my inbox and suggests I upgrade my anatomy. Bukatman’s treatise, a volume in the British Film Institute series, furthers a Cartesian reading of Blade Runner, when he credits Phillip K. Dick, author of the film’s source material, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, for naming his replicant-exterminating protagonist Deckard, a homophone of Descartes (if you pronounce the latter with a mouthful of silicon chips). Perhaps “I think therefore I am…manmade,” might be an apt revision for both Kac’s plant and Deckard, who is revealed to be a replicant himself in the Final Cut. Yeah, but who would win a chess match? Interestingly, some aficionados claim the moves that homicidal Roy Batty plays to checkmate Tyrell are from a famous game played in 1851 by the German chess master Adolf Anderssen. It is known to chess enthusiasts as “The Immortal Game,” an apropos citation for a character in search of “more life, fucker” (director Ridley Scott says this is just a coincidence). It is worth noting that replicants can play chess with aplomb but fail a Voight-Kampff questionnaire that posits hypothetical situations which require a modicum of empathy to answer. Empathy, thus far, remains a distinctly human trait, one that at least some fictional androids have endeavored to comprehend. Data in Star Trek: The Next Generation and Winona Ryder’s compassionately programmed android in Alien: Resurrection attempted this by asking a lot of questions or sharing half-baked observations (“At least there’s part of you that’s human. I’m just... fuck,” laments Ryder). They could just as easily speed-read a library like Steve Guttenburg’s bumbling robot “Johnny Five” did in Short Circuit (though this led to the robot’s existential crisis after reading Pinocchio and Frankenstein back-to-back). In 1983, a year following the original release of Blade Runner, researchers underwritten with $9.8 million grant from the Orwellian-sounding Defense Department’s Information Awareness Office, were working on a pragmatic model of artificial intelligence – dubbed CYC. A founding member of the project, Douglas Lenat, later formed an Austin-based firm Cycorp to oversee CYC, an enormous artificial intelligence project predicated, in part, on teaching a computer common sense. As he wrote in a chapter of MIT’s anthology Hal’s Legacy: 2001’s Computer as Dream and Reality, “A review of the development and implementation of the CYC program shows us how, through applications such as natural language understanding, checking and integrating information in spreadsheets and data bases, and finding relevant information in image libraries and on the World Wide Web…If you have the necessary common-sense knowledge, you can make the necessary inferences quickly and easily; if you lack it, you can’t solve the problems. Ever.” By 2003, the database swelled to nearly 2 million commonsense notions. Now, the public is invited to help supply CYC’s knowledge-base and improve its “thinking” though a web-based trivia game called the “FACTory.” “Once you have a truly massive amount of information integrated as knowledge, then the human-software system will be superhuman, in the same sense that mankind with writing is superhuman compared to mankind before writing,” Lenat is quoted on the company’s website Cyc.com. In an earlier incarnation of CYC’s information acquisition protocol, the computer was taught to ask questions to fill gaps in its knowledge-base. In the mid-80s, Cyc apparently asked “Am I human?” “Yes, questions,” Roy Batty purrs to Hannibal Chew, the eye-maker. “Will I dream?” asks supercomputer HAL in 2001: A Space Odessy. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? asks Philip K. Dick or as RACTER a computer program credited with writing the novel The Policeman’s Beard is Half-Constructed, published in 1984: “More than iron, more than lead, more than gold I need electricity. I need it more than I need lamb or pork or lettuce or cucumber. I need it for my dreams.” Critics, of course, disputed RACTER’s achievement as an assemblage of boilerplate and gibberish. Ay, there’s the rub (or as semantic satirist Richard Lederer presciently put it “Tube heat or not tube heat, data congestion”), just how artificial is artificial intelligence? Director Vikram Jayanti’s documentary Game Over: Kasparov and the Machine adroitly recounts the fateful match between Deep Blue and the world’s then foremost chess champ. That the documentary suggests the machine may have benefited from at least one of Kasparov’s former competitors during the much-ballyhooed 1997 match is immaterial in terms of how the computer’s victory burnished long-held superstitions about technology’s eventual conquest of humankind. Kasparov’s chess showdown was a 20th century echo of railroad “hammer man” John Henry’s folk story with the brawn replaced with brains – the implication being technology might someday conquer both our bodies and our minds (even though legend says Henry’s hammer beat the steam-driven machine intended to replace him, he met his maker shortly after). Perhaps this digital-deity would be an all-seeing, all-knowing and merciful entity, a pure intellect that moves fluidly through the transom that divides high-technology and tremulous whispers of magic. However, if it modeled itself on anything reminiscent of much of humanity’s application of technology – a record more checkered than Deep Blue’s chessboard – I’ll be hiding with my fellow replicants, shrouded in the darkness of a movie theater as Roy Batty looms from the screen and asks “Quite an experience to live in fear, isn’t it?”
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      29 Jan 2011

      FAIL: Chase Feedback 'Compromised' by Customers

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      [caption id="attachment_3148" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Click for full-size"]
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      [/caption] JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A. sent this FAIL-o-gram to remind me to proof-read my bank statements. How the financial behemoth let the word "compromised" instead of "comprised" slip by the copy-editors is beyond me. The result is an obtuse  description of its "Chase Panel" survey program as having been somehow jeopardized by its clients. I'm sure Chase always gets numbers correct, right? However, if they're going to make a typo, could they at least do it by adding few zeroes at the end of my balance?
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      29 Dec 2010

      Groupon Public Voice Guide Fail

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      Deal-of-the-day website Groupon might have passed on Google’s multi-billion dollar acquisition offer but it hasn’t forgone using the online search engine and advertising empire’s document hosting services for a memorandum entitled the “Public Groupon Voice Guide,” which details, with embarrassing clarity, “principles” apparently “intended to help new and applying writers learn Groupon’s signature writing style.” No doubt, all commerce sites need web-copy but Groupon needs its copy to adhere to a house-style so purple it suggests a necrotizing soft tissue infection. Consider this write-up for a discounted stay at Sonoma’s tony bed and breakfast MacArthur Place: “Statistically, the home is the place you're most likely to fall asleep under a running lawn mower, get sexually harassed by a pet, or suffer a heart attack while trying to fit into a heated oven. Escape that horrible deathtrap with today’s Groupon for a stay for two at MacArthur Place in Sonoma.” Groupon, a portmanteau that grafts “group” and “coupon,” operates as its name suggests – it partners with local retailers to offer the subscribers discounted fees when a predetermined number of people sign-up for the deal. It’s a form of assurance contract whereby all participants benefit, which, theoretically, mitigates the risk for the retailer who can leverage the coupon as a quantity discount. And, of course, Groupon takes a cut of resulting sales. What differentiates Groupon from the horde of copycats in this sector is its deft branding and user-friendly interface, which has attracted over 40 million users and as well as a salivating Google, who 30-year-old Groupon CEO Andrew Mason (a recent Forbes Magazine poster-child) famously rebuffed this month. So how is it that Mason felt confident in turning down $6 billion dollars after a mere two years in business? Perhaps the answer lays in the glib lingo his company prefers over the more sober corporate-speak that defines the parlance of Silicon Valley. According to the document, Groupon has a sense of humor, or, at least, something it believes is humor. Under the title “Humor Devices that work well in Groupon Voice” are such axioms as “absurd images,” “sweeping, dramatic nonsense,” and “the absurd narrator.” These are buttressed by examples like “Humankind has been playing with fire for years; now we can harness the bronzing essence of the fiery sun in a gentle mist, proving once and for all our dominance over the weak, inanimate solar system.” Why? Because one person’s absurdity is another’s marketing copy and Groupon has diligently codified their secret sauce of lest applying writers misinterpret the meaning of “absurd.” Others include “hypothetical worlds/outcomes” such as this chestnut, “Without goals, no one would unicycle the Appalachian Trail or train a flock of carrier pidgins to deliver meat pies to unsuspecting haberdashers.” Though Groupon’s “signature writing style” might challenge one’s definition of both “writing” and “style” its fake proverbs, mixed metaphors and intentionally errant take on history (“When strongmen of the past wanted to show their superhuman brawn, they coddled kettlebells or other, potentially stronger strongmen”) are arguably “signature” if not downright annoying to other online scribes. On her blog The Conical Glass, Bay Area indie record label owner Sue Trowbridge has rued the “Grouponese” as nausea-inducing and “yucky.” In a post entitled “The Worst Writing Job in the World,” Trowbridge recounts researching the genesis of Groupon’s tortured prose only to discover a help-wanted ad on its site that invites applicants to submit a sample write-up for a shot at a $40,000 salary and possible relocation to its Chicago headquarters. Ever game, Trowbridge even attempted her own Groupon-styled translation of a favorite restaurant newsletter but gave up after some twisted verbiage to sign-off “Ugh, I feel dirty now. I think I’d rather make my living writing those fake letters to Penthouse.” For some, including Trowbridge, penning garrulous crap for a web discounter might epitomize the death of modern prose. For others, it might be a dream job with full-benefits. Though Andrew Mason’s business might be changing the face of local commerce its colorful product plugs likely won’t affect the world of letters anymore than jingles have affected music. That said, if Mason added stock options to his benefit package and courted another multibillion dollar acquisition deal, be assured more than a few professional writers might consider tossing his salad with the croutons of capital whilst forging phonemes on the velveteen anvil of loathsome lingo.
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      17 Dec 2010

      Take Myspace, please

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      [caption id="attachment_3095" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="My Identity Crisis,"]
      Media_httpfmrlcomwpco_zaqyb
      [/caption] For sale: Social network, recently renovated, barely used. $580 million OBO. In 2005, Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation acquired the beleaguered Myspace for over half a billion dollars to complement a media empire comprising newspapers, a film studio and TV channels, including Fox News. News Corporation continued to spend millions on Myspace to capture a finicky youth market, only to find itself groping for relevancy as Facebook came to dominate the social space. One shouldn't expect Murdoch to understand kids these days, seeing as he hasn't been a teenager since 1950, which not only predates the notion of a mass "youth culture," but its original soundtrack, rock 'n' roll. But the site's current woes go beyond bridging a simple generation gap, and not for lack of trying. These days on Myspace, one is presently greeted by a video of the Black Eyed Peas pontificating about how they would "rock it" if they "hijacked" Myspace (Fergie is apparently into rainbows). This attempt by Myspace to lease some cred from the band diminishes both the reenvisioning of the site and the musicians themselves, who do their best to inject enthusiasm into the prospect of a "social entertainment" destination with little more substance than their own lyrics. The whole premise seems nebulous, which is underscored by the fact that the site doesn't even have its own name in the masthead. Rather, the page is helmed by "my_____," which invites the user to fill in the blank. You know, like Mad Libs. Perhaps Rupert's reads "my $580 Million Write-Off." With its "we beat Friendster" sheen long worn away by Murdoch's fretting fingerprints, Myspace, some speculate, is headed to the bargain bin. An acquisition, however, likely won't make much noise in a social space dominated by Facebook and Twitter. Big spenders like Google come to mind, though it's already in the social space (Orkut, right? No, wait, Google Wave? Um, Google Buzz?). Still smarting after being left at the altar by Microsoft, Yahoo isn't in a shopping mood but is working on its own Twitter clone, Yahoo! Meme. Theoretically, Microsoft could graft Myspace into its search initiative Bing so one could search for friends and find them, well, on Facebook. Perhaps the best possibility for Myspace is to be acquired by Elon Musk, cofounder of PayPal, electric carmaker Tesla Motors and SpaceX, the independent aeronautics company. Call it "MyspaceX," which would combine all of Musk's business pursuits into the first off-world colony. Recruit the outer-space colonists on Myspace (yes, that's why the sign-up is so damn inquisitive—they're gauging your space-worthiness) and catch a ride on a SpaceX rocket. The colony itself would be powered by Telsa Motors technology since, in space, there are no countries to exploit for natural resources (yet). Tickets would be paid for through Paypal, unless the underground hacker horde Anonymous launches another denial-of-service attack, which they unleashed upon the online payments site, as well as the respective sites of Visa and Mastercard, after the creditors rescinded service to Wikileaks in the wake of Cablegate. What's a denial-of-service attack? Ask the former chief security officer for News Corporation's digital properties, Hemu Nigam, who once ridded Myspace of pedophiles and warded off other online miscreants before splitting six months ago to start his own internet security consultancy. "If you are a home-computer user," Nigam says, "the only way denial-of-service attacks succeed is if the consumers are allowing their computers to be used as a zombie so that it wakes up and turns it into an army soldier at the command of a hacker out there." To prevent you computer from joining the undead, Nigam suggests you actually click "OK" the next time your computer suggests a security update. "A hacker group like Anonymous will go out there and find computers that are not updated, drop a little code in there that basically owns the computer and that sits there waiting for a command from the mother ship to these zombie computers, thousands of them in all parts of the country or the world, that says 'Wake up. It's your time.'" Perhaps this is Murdoch's evil plan for Myspace—he's using it to create an army of zombie machines to launch a massive attack on his many rivals. But isn't that what his Fox News is for? Originally published @ Bohemian.com
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